Learning to fight well
You may think that’s a weird title huh?
Although almost every couple fights occasionally, few know how to fight well.
I’ve found that during any discussion it’s always important to define terms. When we say “fighting” we certainly don’t mean a physical altercation. We mean those “intense moments of fellowship” in which my partner or/and I become emotionally heated. This can happen for any number of reasons:
-I feel disconnected from my spouse
-I’ve been hurt by something they did or said
-I’ve misunderstood my partner or they misunderstood me
-We failed to communicate
-Or even if we have just had a bad day
Any time two people are passionate about something there is the potential for conflict. Put those two people in close proximity, for a long period of time and occasional conflict is almost inevitable. Keith Miller said “A Christian marriage is [not] one with no problems or even a marriage with fewer problems. (It may well mean more problems.) But it does mean a life in which two people are able to accept each other and love each other in the midst of problems and fears.” Fighting isn’t always bad, and whether we realized It or not, fighting is normal.
Although fighting is normal, fighting doesn’t have to be ugly. It doesn’t have to mean screaming and slamming doors. Below are a few guidelines to help you fight well.
Entering the ring with the right foundation.
It’s important as you approach any marital argument to do so with a few basic presuppositions.
- I love my spouse.
Remember all the reasons that you married them. This is just a bump in the road, not a detour.
-They love me.
Sometimes we get hurt so badly that we’re tempted to believe that our spouse doesn’t love us anymore. They may be frustrated with you or upset at something you’ve done. They may even say things like “I don’t like you right now.”
- We’re in this together.
While you may find yourself on different sides of an issue, enter the ring remembering you’re on the same team and trying to accomplish the same goals.
-Commit to attack the problem, not the person
So often we allow differences of opinion about little things to pit us against our lifelong partner. We frequently argue about things that have little to do with the person we love and everything to do with an action, issue, or outside influence. Treat the problem as something you can work on together to come to resolution.
Basic rules to fight well
1. Choose the time carefully.
Not every disagreement needs to be communicated RIGHT NOW. There are many reasons you may want to wait to have a very important conversation.
-Don’t fight in front of your family. Your parents, siblings, or kids don’t need to hear you and your spouse argue.
- Don’t fight when you’re so upset or emotionally charged that you can’t control yourself. If you find yourself wanting to throw something, hit something, or even just say something that you know you don’t mean, STOP! Agree to put the conversation on pause. Ask your partner for permission to pick this conversation up at a later time when you can be more objective, but don’t leave it open-ended. After work, when the kids go to bed, or tomorrow morning might be reasonable times to continue articulating your side of a disagreement. You’ll be glad you waited and decided to have the conversation when you were more emotionally stable.
2. Choose your words carefully.
When tempers flare and emotions run high we tend to allow the first thing that we think to come out of our mouth. The bible says our heart is desperately wicked, so we know we can’t always speak from the heart. How do we guard what we say and say the right thing, in the right way at the right time?
- Don’t use 100% words. These are words like never, always
